I Like You 　(2003.5.27)

   Usually I don’t regret anything now. But in the past, I have regretted one thing, STRONGLY. 

  SHE was one of my classmates. We were in the third grade in a junior high school. She was always kind to me. For example, she picked up a pen which I accidentally dropped from my desk. You might think that it is nothing special, but for me, in those days, it was a happy, heart-warming surprise.

Actually, she was kind to everyone. But somehow I felt that she was especially kind only to me. When she talked to me, she was always smiling at me. I had felt the difference between the manner she talked to me and the one to someone else.

Why is that? I sometimes wondered. But that was all.

In those days, I didn’t know what I should do or what I should say to her. Of course, I felt happy when she was being kind to me or when she smiled at me, but that was all. I said nothing to her. I did nothing to her. I always talked to her in a businesslike manner without any expression. I was not used to having conversation with girls. I didn’t know how to express my feelings to girls. I was an IMMATURE boy.

To begin with, she and I didn’t talk so often. She had her friends, and I had mine. We were not so close. Just classmates. I always enjoyed playing or talking with my boy friends both at school and after school. I purely loved it. It was a lot of fun. And so, I didn’t have much opportunity to communicate with her.

The day of our graduation had come. On that day, in the classroom, everybody was saying good-by, taking their friend’s pictures and writing their messages on the school albums of their friends one another.

She came up to me and told me that she’s going to write down her message on my album. Her message was this: Thank you for everything. Please RETAIN YOUR KINDNESS forever. And never forget me, please. … I didn’t understand why she thought of ME as KIND.

  I entered a senior high school. Almost everyone around me was strangers. Of course, SHE was not there. It was so-called “good school” and every student was so smart. They all were INDEPENDENT. “Independent” may sound good, but I felt that it was “COLD to people”. I confess that I hated the school for several months. (Several months later, I could enjoy the school life, though.) I was not able to feel at home. It was not like the junior high. Everyone was so clever that I needed KNOWLEDGE or WIT just to have conversations with them. It was STRESSFUL. Every day I came home in depressed mood. And I didn’t feel like going to school every morning. I missed the junior high and my old easygoing friends. And I really missed HER. I REALIZED how PRECIOUS her casual kindness and smiles were. But it was too late. She and I had not been so close, so I couldn’t make contact with her. I REGRETTED not having said anything to her. I REGRETTED not expressing my feeling to her. When I re-read her message on my school album, I felt sorry for my attitude to her. She must have felt that I had been UNCONCERNED with her. And I felt EAGER to make it up. I really wanted to say, "Thank you for your smiles," " I felt so happy when you were being kind to me,” or simply, “I LIKE YOU,” to her. But it was IMPOSSIBLE.

From that experience, I learned, the days never come back. I should always try my best expressing my GOOD feelings like "I like you," "I thank you," or "I am happy spending the time with you." Otherwise, the precious days would JUST PASS BY.

There is a Japanese saying ”Ichi-go Ichi-e”, meaning “Treasure every meeting, for it never recurs.” I like that saying. And moreover, after the TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE that I deeply regretted, I came to think as follows :

　"TREASURE THE DAYS when you spend with people. And DON'T HESITATE to EXPRESS your GOOD feelings toward them. You may NOT be able to do it TOMORROW. The precious days NEVER COME BACK AGAIN."